Why is it important to know the difference?
When we separate the things that are in our control from the things that are not in our control, we have more clarity about how to use our efforts in the most beneficial ways. By understanding and acknowledging the things that are not in our control, it can help us with our acceptance of the situation. It helps us to ‘let go’ and to move on.
The things that are in my control:
- My thoughts and actions
- How I talk to myself
- How I spend my free time
- My boundaries
- How I handle challenges
- The goals I set
- What I give my energy to
These are things that I can directly put my efforts and energy into. For example, I can choose to create a new habit of how I talk to myself. Another example: I can choose to set goals for what I want to accomplish. I have some pretty good control over these topics. Not completely, because unexpected things can derail me at times. Like an unexpected health event.
On the other hand, there are things that are, for the most part, not in my control:
- The actions of others
- The past
- The opinions of others
- What happens around me
- The outcome of my efforts
- The future
- How others take care of themselves
- What other people think of me
And I say, for the most part, because although these things are not directly in my control, in some instances I may influence them. I may influence by my actions, my attitude, my good energy – these things that I am not directly in control of. For example, in many cases I may influence what other people think of me by my behavior and attitude toward them and toward life. No guarantees, but a possibility.
It’s important, most times, to focus on the things I have more control of. If I have a friend or loved one who doesn’t take care of himself, I may be able to influence how they think or behave, but I have no control over actually changing their belief or behavior. It’s helpful to accept that I have no control over how he or she takes care of himself or the choices they make.
Sometimes we need to Surrender to what is.
It’s a big mistake to try to control another person. We can make suggestions. We can shar
e something that we find helpful. But then we need to let it go. The choice is theirs.
It’s important to put our energy into the things we can change – usually the things that relate to each of us personally.
Cynthia Grace Luma is the founder of Center for Inner Peace. As a a holistic psychotherapist and a relationship coach, she’s been assisting clients for five decades to create the lives they want and to find more inner peace and joy. Unlock the secrets to meaningful connections with Cynthia’s new book, The Relationship You Want, How to be Seen, Heard and Understood in the Most Meaningful Relationships in Your Life.
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